A Black Woman’s Advice: How to Date the Black Woman Who Enjoys Being Single
You have decided to date a Black woman whom you have categorized as ‘free’, ‘independent’, ‘woke’ and/or ‘nothing like these other girls out here.’ Kudos to you. Congratulations on your choice of ‘leveling up’ from ‘girls’ to ‘women’. Welcome to a new journey. Here is a short, non-concise guide on how to successfully date the Black woman you have placed on a pedestal:
If you are afraid of yourself, please do not even attempt this relationship. If you are comfortable with yourself, read further.
Become comfortable with the fact she does not need you rather she wants you. There is a difference. You are not the breath to her lungs nor the source of her joy. Picture a fervent reader in a large bookstore of over 250,000 books to choose from, and the reader chooses one book, only ONE to bring back home with her. You, the Black man, are the book. The same book she chooses to read daily, repeatedly with hopes of never getting tired of both old and new chapters. She wants you, but does not need you to survive, and of this she will remind you anytime you allow your privilege, or feelings of entitlement, to show their face in the relationship. Learn to be comfortable with this, or your relationship will fail before it even starts.
Understand that being in a relationship with you is not the BEST thing that has happened to her rather it is ONE of the best things that has happened to her. You are not her Universe. Do not expect to be.
You are replaceable; therefore, it is imperative for you to continue to spend quality time with her, pay attention to her and all other behaviors prior to entering the relationship. New, random adventures are necessary, and creativity is key as she gets bored easily.
Her time is valuable, and she enjoys every moment with you, but understand there will be periods of time where she will need to be alone; do not take it personal. Quality time with herself is essential to her healthy lifestyle. Her peace and balance are important to her. Everything else is secondary. If she is not good for herself, she cannot be good for you. Space is key; do not be clingy.
Her happiness does not solely revolve around your existence; she can and will live with, or without you. You are a contributor to her happiness; that is enough.
Learn how to communicate effectively and learn to listen actively. These may be qualities you may have lost, or never been taught as a child; that is fine, learn them, or relearn them, anyway. Your traumatic experiences/childhood, i.e. abandonment issues, domestic violence, molestation, etc., are not solid reasons for mediocrity; seek therapy first before even shooting your shot. She is not hired to fix your problems nor is she required to. Herself is enough to work on, and you are not her child, she is not your mother. Do not expect her to be because disappointment awaits you.
She will never be your peace. She is just a major contributor to it; vice versa.
Her sexual history will only be shared by choice and understand you do not own her body nor is her ‘p****’ yours unless she chooses to say it is. She has the right to give and take it back. She owes you nothing.
This is a partnership not an ownership. Do not be surprised if she chooses to keep her last name, hyphenate it and/or chooses not to sign marriage papers.
If you have a disagreement, do not play the silent game nor throw two-year old tantrums you may have been accustomed to throwing to get your point across, or get your way, once again, she is not your mother. She is not obligated to stay. You will be held accountable for your actions, and her doing so does not make her crazy. Your ego will not be stroked, so erase that memory. Curb your ego or leave.
Her friends, both women and men, are not your enemy nor competition; stop being paranoid and grow up.
Understand she does not want to fight, she is a Black woman who fights everyday to exist in most spaces she finds herself in, and her relationship is not on the list of places she wants to fight for her womanhood nor existence. Listen to her struggles; do not belittle them to raise up your own; this is a relationship not the Oppression Olympics.
Most importantly, learn that Black woman for the individual she is. Preconceived beliefs have no place in your relationship. She is not your mama nor ex-girlfriends; she is Her. Learn Her.
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